Lonely for Myself

The other night I was having trouble falling asleep; I felt restless and out of sorts. Something was nagging at me and making me feel uncomfortable. What was it? What was going on with me? Suddenly, my eyes flew open. I was feeling lonely, a very unusual feeling for me. Although I can be quite social, I am at my core, an introvert. I need my space, enjoy alone time --- enjoy my own company. So, what was this lonely feeling about? We had just seen two of our adult children and two of our grandchildren over the holidays. I had been in touch with several friends. My husband and I speak several times a day. What was I lonely for? It occurred to me I was lonely for myself. I hadn’t written in several days. I had no idea what I was thinking or feeling.

So, I did what I tell other people to do. I sat down and started to write. At first, I felt disconnected from myself, out-of-touch and uncomfortable. But after a few minutes, I felt myself relax. It didn’t matter what I wrote. It didn’t matter if I knew where the writing was going. What mattered was I was writing. It took a few days of my morning journaling practice to feel like I was returning home, coming back to myself.

It reminded me of what I have always known---no matter how far away I get from my own journaling, how far away I feel from myself, how uncomfortable I become, all I have to do is start writing.